Ft. Mathias

Say "sorry" like an angel

I miss my old clothes. No idea where they went. Did I lose them among the garbage I sold on the street? Did you bitches steal them? Because Rohdi cancelled our beerdate I'm gonna use tonight for some cleaning. Hopefully I'll get a little smarter and a little less supercranky.

Je questionne

Why can't mondays be fun? Why can't pretty boys like ugly girls? Why do girls talk so much shit? Why can't bills pay themselves? Why can't everyone be a billionaire? Why can't winter be warm and awesome? Why is working so lame and studying so hard? Why can't going to the gym be fun? Why can't junkfood be healthy? Why can't love last forever? Why can't messy be the new clean? Why can't living be easy? Why is telling the truth so hard? Why do kids die? Why is hating so easy? Why is nothing ever enough and everything always way too much? Why do horses gallop?

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry, keep making me laugh (let's go get high!)

What an awesome weekend! I spent friday out dancing with a bunch of crazy fun guys and yesterday we got drunk on champagne with Nemil(Nelly&Emil). Now I've been eating french toasts and bacon all day, thanks to my honeybun, who apparently cooks better than Jesus!! Did someone send him from heaven?

i wanna be a billionaire (so fucking bad)

Finally I'm starting to feel like a human again!! I'm sitting on my messy floor chainsmoking and drinking milky coffee. Soon we're gonna go buy some vodka with Nelly and then we're off to SANDELLSHUSET. And yes we're gonna go dancing later. Wooo you wednesdays!

Last metres

Today we're gonna film our last and probably biggest shot for the movie 8 kilsa. Thankfully my part doesn't rap but it's definitely gonna be fun seeing Titus and Emil throwing words around. We're gonna be at Sandells huset in Tölö, next to my place and everyone is welcome to watch!! For now our audience seems to be around 50 people. Be there or be squeeeeeeeeeeere!

One week late for Valentine's

  • A:
    What kind of people attract you?
  • - Real, spontanious, creative people who shine from inside out
  • B: Have you ever been in love?
    - Yup
  • C: Longest relationship you've ever been in, and why did it end?
    - Two and a half years, it ended because both of us grew up
  • D: Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how?
    - People around you sure do affect your development. I wouldn't say I've actually changed for anyone else though.
  • E: Pretend I'm you ex, what do you want to say to me?
    - Me and my ex have pretty straight forward conversations, thank god.
  • F: Have you ever been cheated on?
    - Not that I know, no.
  • G: Have you ever cheated?
    - Nope
  • H: Would you date someone who's know for cheating, if yes why?
    - Never say never, but I have really bad trust issues

  • I: What's the most important part of a relationship
    - Being open and true to yourself and your lovah
  • J: Serious relationships or flings?
    - Depends on your situation in life
  • K: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"?
    - One break usually leads to another one that leads to another one that leads to another one... But there sure are special occasions for everything.
  • L: How many semi-serious flings have you had during the past 12 months?
    - Most of my flings this year have lacked any kind of seriousness but I guess I've had 2 longer ones lacking seriousness.
  • M: What's one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship?
    - I usually try not to regret things, everything happens in a context of a million little things you can't control. Anyway I guess I feel sorry for not listening enough in the end. Neither to myself nor to him.
  • N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex?
    - I don't believe in agelines, forbids and recommendations like that. My family is oldschool so I discovered love between the sheets way later than everybody else. I think you should have sex when you feel like it. No sooner or later than that!
  • O: Do you believe in the phrase, "Age is just a number?" Why or why not?
    - Obviously there are people in every age that click perfectly well. Still, I think we understand each other better if we're at similar places in life. And love is a lot about understanding.
  • P: What about "Love at first sight"? Why or why not?
    - "Love at first sight" is probably the one frase I hate the most of all these cheesy cheescakes. It takes time to love. Time, patience and some hardass connection.
  • Q: Turn on's?
    - It's so hard to say. Every person I've liked has had it's own, completely unique flavour. That special something inside them that wakes something inside me to life.
  • R: Turn off's?
    - Arrogance, narcissism and random, mean behaviour
  • S: What do you consider a deal breaker?
    - From what I've experienced: stupidity, obsessiveness and ambivalence
  • T: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends?
    - It all depends on stuff like how long you dated, how close you were, if you were friends before you started your thing and the reason to your breakup
  • U: Do you think people should date their friends?
    - I think friends often become the best boyfriends
  • V: How many relationships have you had?
    - One real
  • X: Do you think love can last forever?
    - I like to fucking hope so


So a certain little complainer let me know, on our first date, that he doesn't like my blog because it doesn't quite have any specific "line" or theme. One day I post pictures, the other day i write these lameass posts about my daily life, I mix up between swedish and english with no actual sense of logic and I usually just writeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee whatever I feel like. How do you, dear readers (the two of you), feel about this? The thing is, even though I kind of see the picture, I'm way too lazy and way too messed up to choose a line and go with it. Think of my blog as a schizophrenic person! It has moodswings, it doesn't really always seem like itself and it would probably never survive alone out in the community. Be nice!

je suis un vélo rouge

I DID IT HOES! one day without nicotine and my fever is almost gone. Today I got some lame letters to send (for instance the goddamn tax card), and then I'm definitely gonna do something fun. Not tooooooo fun, I don't wanna lay in my bed for the whole next week aswell. But a little fun-fun. Tiny fun. 

Something I've been thinking about is why everyone misses the Penkkis so much. I log into fucking facechat and I have five friends popping up to me with something like "Är du inte bara så nostalgisk atm?!?!?"... Uhm, no? What would I be nostalgic about? You're nostalgic when you're in your thirtys and look back at some pictures from college. Or when you're fourteen and you really don't wanna grow up but you have to throw away your barbies anyway because you know you just have to. THAT'S when you're nostalgic. Not when you look back at one day of partying that happened a year ago. Because that's what it is, right? A day of partying. I just don't get it, and what's so special about graduating anyways? Everyone graduates. Haha. You're fucking weird people. I still love you though, you give me perspectives.

me, me, me (i'm in the first class!)

Going to the doctor's. I'm still allowed to WEAR cigarettes, right???

bad bad bad day

So I realized the other day that I smoke about 40 cigarettes within 12 hours. FOURTY. I mean that's just stupid. It screams lungcancer all over the place and it makes the following things happen to my body:

- my teeth look like shit
- my skin will die
- my hair WILL fall off
- i will stop appriciating life the natural way, i'll get wrinkles and i'll die within ten months




one day

keep ur fingers crossed!!!!!!!!!

about that, about this

jag lovar att en dag slänga mina piller, kasta mina cigaretter, tvätta bort mitt smink och radera min blogg (men inte idag)

"I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to"

So I guess I'm having one of those days again. I wake up, have coffee and a cigarette and feel pretty much alright. There's only two days left of the week, I'm having today off and... oh yes, I'm supposed to get my pay from last month at the Junior home today. The one i didn't get because the paymentpeople screw up. I log into my net account and click on the balance and... throw my cup of coffee into the wall so it breaks into eleven dirty porcelain pieces. 64 EUROS?!? 64 fucking euros for 5 days of hardass-work?!?! I call my boss, I call the paymentwoman and I call the god damn bank. Finally it turns out I haven't sent them my new "tax card". Yes, apparently you are supposed to send your firm a new tax card in the beginning of every new year. And apparently everybody knows about this, except for me. So I sit here with my 64 bucks, a bill from the power station, two loans to pay back and absolutely nothing to eat. When I say I'm born with bad luck in my genes or that Jesus hates me, this is basically what I'm talking about. Obviously I have to be pretty goddamn stupid too, not to know about this stuff, but dumbfuck people usually have some sort of good luck charm over them. Or rich parents. (Believe me, I know stupid people and NO ONE has ever had to have a fucking pikavippi laina to survive the month. That's like the biggest no-no. People just don't have pikavippi's. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO.) Anyway, turns out my knight in shining armor is still around to save me when I fuck up. I just have to cross my fingers that he'll always be there. Or fucking grow up and force myself to start caring. About bills, about loans, about futureplans and savings that you'll never use.

today i don't feel like doing anything (nothing at all)

Happy fucking valentines!!

Golden twenty

My awesome friends threw me the most amazing surpriseparty for my birthday! Wille kidnapped/blindfolded me and drove me to my best girl's Ellen's house (who bought tickets from Paris to get home for my bday!!). I thought I was gonna die from a panic attack in the car but shhhhhiiitt what a kick I got when they took the scarf of. Thanks a million! I really don't wanna leave finland right now. I really really really don't. Fuckkk.


Since I've started to sleep better again I've had the most weird dreams ever. They feel more realistic, more close and kind of like my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I bet Freud would love me right now.

1. A long-term friend comes up to me and tells me i owe her a lot of money. I do, but I really don't give a fuck about it. I feel like I have no interest whatsoever in if she's happy or not and I feel like she ows me something so much more than money, something I will never get back. I really don't wanna be her friend anymore and it feels freaking right.
2. Someone at work starts a rumour about me that everyone believes. I desperately try convincing people it's not true but no one really listens to me. In the end I get one of the women to listen. She bursts into tears and tells me she never really did believe anything. She tells me I'm awesome and I'm doing the right thing and it feels fucking great.
3. I wake up next to my sister and I have no idea how I got to bed last night. She tells me about all the stuff I've been doing but I have no memory whatsoever of it. A nurse comes in and tells me she can sense I have a fever. She takes my temperature and it appears to be 43,6. She tells me I should already be dead and I freak out and run away to look for my mom. She's in her francehouse having a teaparty with some guests. I pull her sleeve and tell my news but she really isn't listening. I call her a selfish whore, I'm DYING for fucks sake, shouldn't she, for once, listen? She turns around and gives me an icy look and I start doubting myself. Is she really my mom or is this the wrong teaparty? I realize I'm actually the selfish one, running in and interrupting a strange woman just because I AM dying. She probably doesn't even know me. I walk away and crawl into a quiet corner and die alone. SO FUCKING SAD


1. How was your last birthday? What did you do?
My last birthday was alright. I got a chocolate cake at our final exams in swedish and my ex took me out for mexican food and wine. However, I'm turning 20 in two days and I'm freaking thrilled!!

2. Describe a kiss you can remember
My first one. The most awkward and soooo damn sweet.

3. What’s your biggest regret? Something from your past you wished you could have changed?
Not daring to believe.

4. When was the last time you laughed so hard that tears fell from your face and what was it at?
I got a laughattack from Nelly's textmessage today. We were speaking of our New Years in Paris. "Man sku ännu kunna gå på ett par till hotellbaren" hahahahaha I can't get over how funny we are.

5. What is one item in your room you love?
My psychology books from high school. I love how I just know everything that's in them. Sort of makes me feel like shrinking superwoman.

6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
I hate this question. It always comes up and I never have an answer. Fucking everything.

7. Do you have any scars and if so, how did you get them?
I have one right between my eyebrows. It's from the hindu spot I used to have in my last life.

8. Where would you like to be in 10 years?

I honestly don't think that much about where I wanna live. I believe there are awesome people everywhere. It's about finding the special beauty in the place you are.

9. What are your views on drugs and alcohol?
I don't really analyze them.

10. Have you ever been on televison?
I spoke about homosexual's rights to adopt on the news haha

11. Write 3 facts people might not know about you.
1. I can't fully open my mouth
2. I think the colour blue is superboring
3. In fith grade i colored my hair black with mascara 'cause I wanted to look like Amy Lee

12. What’s your zodiac sign?

13. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
I don't own any sweats, so jeans or tights.

14. Who was your first love?
This guy I dated in fifth grade. He was older, had long hair and liked heavy metal. We used to have these awkward dates when no one really talked. We just stared at each other and really wanted to grow up and make out and have babies.

16. Do you care if people talks badly about you?

Haha I don't, really

17. Name somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

I wanna visit some of these mainstream beachspots, like Thailand or Mauritius

18. What’s your earliest memory?
I think it's something about a swing, but I'm not sure if it's real

19. What music do you hate?
Bad rap and meaningless electronic "wannabe alternative" shit that really sucks

20. What are your highs and lows of this past year?
I mostly have highs. I've finally started to live like I want to, I've made lots of right choises and I'm almost over my disease phobia. Lows: I've wasted shit lots of money in the most ridiculous ways and I've made some pretty unnecessary dating.

21. Were you single over the last summer?

22. Who are you closest to in your family?
I'm not that close to them but I'm gonna say my mom.

23. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

24. What’s one of your favorite tv show?
I don't know ANY tv shows hahaha

25. How have you changed in the past 2 years?
I've grown so much as a person, I couldn't explain it in three million words.

26. Name 1 person who is famous who you find attractive.
My aussiboy Dean Valentino is almost famous. He's definitely the most beautiful human being alive. No doubts.

27. Name 3 favorite movies
Donnie Darko, Girl interrupted, Gentlemen prefer blondes

28. Someone you hate?
I don't waste my time hating people. Takes the fun out of life

29. What kind of person attracts you?
Real people, who are not playing fucking games or trying to act like someone they're not. Cool, chill, true people who love to have fun and who actually know (or at least want to know) something about the world. 

30. What’s a problem that you have recently had or are currently having?
Moneystruggle. All over the place...

31. What was the last thing you ate?

bread with ham and mustard (love)

32. Share 3 goals you want completed in the next 30 days.
Buying my inträdeslitteratur, making sure the kids get a good new afternoon-teacher and renting out my appartment

33. What’s been the highlight of your month and the lowest point?
High: The people in my life. Lows: No money, the weather and the hangovers

34. What’s something that you’ve done in the past that you would never do again?
Dating people I'm not actually interested in, at all

35. What is you’re biggest insecurity & why?
I feel really stupid when it comes to logical thinking and visual IQ. I never find places, I can't even get off at the right busstop when I go home. And I don't know any maths, none.

36. What was the last song you listened to?
Lana Del Rey, my latest discovery

37. Are you a jealous person?
I thought I could be pretty jealous but after meeting a certain couple of girlfriends I actually think I'm quite cool

38. Have you lost anyone close to you to death?
I lost a horse I really loved. I've lost closely related people, but not really anyone "close"

39. What is your purpose in life?
To experience as much as possible, to enjoy every day to it's fullest and to be able to look back when I'm 80 and actually feel like I've lived and I'm done.

40. When was the last time you cried and what was it over?
Money. moneymoneymoney

41. If you got to spend an entire day with a celebrity what would you guys do?
Mary Kate Olsen. Just because I'm in love with her wardrobe.

42. How do you look right now?
like a fucking crackwhore, gotta love finnish winter

43. Do you like spicy food and why?
yes. lol 'cause it's awesome? random sucky questions

44. Can you cook? If so what are your favorite dishes to make?
kind of but i'm really lazy. i'm making pasta right now however. hihi good girl

45. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Many. Some even give me albatrosses or jumbo jets...

46. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
Umm my shirt and my bra? no one?

47. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

48. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
This one little kid at one of my workplaces. I seriously wanna give him the whole world served on a silver platter.

49. Tell me about something you would happily do again?
lol the first thing i thought about is so censured. but ummm love someone? or is that too cheesy?

50. Ever had a rumor spread about you?
Who hasn't?

51. What makes you most angry?
narrow-minded, stupid people. people who think they are complete in their beliefs. and religion, sometimes

52. Who do you think is a really unnecessary celebrity?
The gang from Jersy Shore. Or Rebecca Black

53. Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Kind of. Kind of not

54. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?
I'm not a fan of cheesy romantic baths or dinners. Small surprises are the best. Like breakfast in bed or a cute frase in the right moment 

55. Dream job?

Children's therapist. Or sextherapist hehee... Just 'cause it sounds so kinky.

56. What was the last movie you saw?
Some like it hot with Marilyn Monroe

57. What do you prefer eating for lunch?
Java's cesar sallad is the best lunch ever

58. Do you like chocolate? 
I lovelovelove chocolate. Guilty pleasure no 1

59. How many relationships have you had?
One real

60. What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
I'm just being my flirty self, some guys tend to like me

61. What is something you feel like you are really good at?
Making out. And some other stuff....

62. Have you ever thrown up in the car?
I think I threw up in my ex's bag once. Hahaha sorry for that bro!

63. Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?
I don't think so. Love Kestine (allergy medicine) though

64. Do you want to have children first, or get married first?
Get very very married

65. Do you like rainy summer days or snowy winter days more?
I love rainy summer days

66. What do you do when you can’t sleep?
Usually my pills make me too dizzy to really do anything so I just lay in bed and hope to fall asleep. Or have more pills haha.

67. What’s something that’s on your bucket list?
I don't do bucket lists, I like my actions to be quite spontanious

68. Favorite makeup products?
Loreal - True match foundation
Dior mascara
Max factor's darkest red lipgloss 

69. What’s your favourite holiday and why?
Summer, quel suprize

70. What’s the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for you?
I love nice strangers. Lots of people I don't know give me really flattering compliments. I seldom remember them though, which kind of sucks...

71. Favorite place to shop at?
I love Helsinki10, but I really can't afford it. And french downtown boutiques.

72. What’s the first song that comes to your mind right now?
Jolene, so beautiful

73. What would your dream flat look like?
God I suckkkk at visual stuff. But really simple, with like a matress and shit lots of weird pictures on the walls. Like walls all coverd with fucking WEIRD SHIT.

74. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon?
The person who did this before me answered Bora Bora. I guess Bora Bora is a pretty cool answer

75. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person, if so, who?
Ummmm wait. Actually some of you readers told me I look like Sienna Miller in the "Alfie" movie, haha

76. 5 things you can not live without? (not living beings)
My hairstraightner, coffee, internet, night outs and marlboro lights.

77. What’s your favourite children’s tv show/movie?
Beauty and the beast

78. What song makes you cry the most?

Maria Mena - Lullaby

79. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen?

Office Space, hahahahaha

80. What’s something crazy that you’ve always wanted to do?
Get hypnotized in bed. HAHAHAHAHA

81. What’s your biggest fear?
Death. Or really trusting someone and being let down.

82. Least favorite food?
Like really yucky basic finnish food (ex. janssons frestelse)

83. When was the last time someone said something nice to you?
The boy I help with his homework told me I'm amazing and he's in love with me, hahahaha...

84. If you were told you were going to have 3 daughters, what would you want to name them?
Ellinor, Erin and Eliza. But I'd prefer 3 sons (how horrible).

silly, stupid, careless

i feel like falling deep deep deep


Hej R,
meningen med att skriva till dej är mera symbolisk än sentimental på det sättet som man skulle kunna tro. Ärligt talat minns jag knappt hur du såg ut, vilken ögonfärg du hade eller om du hade några smilgropar när du skrattade. Dock hade jag aldrig blivit jag om jag inte träffat dig och därför är du alltid älskad, på ett eller annat sätt (kanske inte du, men tanken på dej, den illusion jag så fläckfritt och enkelspårigt byggt upp). Jag har gjort många misstag under det gångna året, lekt med själar och speglat mej i tårfyllda pupiller. Jag har syndat, jag har biktat mej, jag har börjat om och jag har syndat igen. Jag vet att du om någon skulle förstå att det inte är så lätt. Att man inte kan låtsas. 
Det har blivit kallare igen, gatorna är nästan tomma och de få krigare som vågar sig ut går tysta och svär för sig själva. "Vittu mitä paskaa..". Jag saknar sommaren. Jag saknar värmen och friheten och det där pirriga. Att aldrig riktigt veta vart man var påväg. Att helt enkelt inte bry sig. Jag vet att du fortfarande lever så, men ändå avundas jag inte dig. Lite, ja, fast inte riktigt.


Jag har en vän. En vän som betyder allt och lite till. Hon är i behov av mental vård, hon är farlig och spritt språngande galen men man får fan leta efter ett finare freak. Jag hjärta dej, nummer 31.

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