490 days of captivity

I always knew I was a bit different. A little too stubborn, a little too defiant and a little too curious. 
I remember being 11 and smoking cigarettes, stolen from A's grandma's, under the bushes, behind the tall buildings in Tapiola. I felt so alive, so in the moment, so awesome. It was the kick of the knowledge that what we did was so awfully forbidden. And the feeling of freedom. Wonderful, thrilling freedom.

It's been exactly 486 days since I got introduced to you by someone I did and still do love. Getting to know you was a fucked up thing, even for me, but skimming through my life story and all the crazy situations I've been in, I can't say it seems too far-fetched. I thought I'd come by once, just to please my eager friend who was going on and on about how awesome you were. We met a couple of more times, by accident, and then suddenly, purposely. I thought I could play with you, visit every now and then, but always return to the real world. I was wrong. You bit me slowly, one month at a time, sucked all the happiness out of the world and left me with no one but you and a horrible numb, blurry fog. I couldn't remember who I was and why I was here. And everyone who claimed they knew, just seemed ridiculous. 

I'm writing this post to say goodbye. I've finally decided not to see you again. You've given me something so beautiful that all the words in the human history of vocabulary couldn't describe it. You've given me the happiest moments of my life and the biggest loveliness I ever had and ever will experience. But our time has expired. You can't control me anymore.

Making the hardest decision of my life and hoping to succeed.

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