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I wanna colour my hair pink. I wanna do something fucked up and weird!!!

Tonight is the big opening night for our movie 8 kilsa!! You guys can see it at bar Andorra, in Helsinki on Eriksgatan. Have fun & be nice on my performance! I'm not Jesus for gods sake.

I don't know why this movie touched me so much. I've been crying/chainsmoking/writing letters that I'll never send for about 2 hours now. Reality is such a messy place

So my white week went a little, like they say, "comme ci, comme ca". My french friend Michel turned 25 and he convinced me to go "play some pool with the brittish boys". Well, we ended up at some bowling hall close to Marseilles and had waaay too much beer. It's a miracle I'm alive, really. Because these dudes drive drunk. And by drunk I don't mean tipsy-drunk.

Otherwise I'm feeling really good today. Better than in a long while. Half of my studytime is over and in 5 weeks I'll see my dreamguy again. 30 days to goooo

I'm so sick of my mom's way of explaining everything around her from a psychoanalytic perspective. She is convinced that anorexia among young girls has nothing to do with the narrow ideals of today. Nope, the omnipotent reason to it all has to do with bad experiences with food in the early childhood. Yes, of course. There is no problems outside of the goddamn attachment theory, and every day you wake up and you feel like never leaving bed at all, can somehow be led to the problematic relationship you had to your mother when you were 8 months old. Ha-ha

I got the most amazing present ever today!!! Tip: a girl's best friend and enemy, usually shows up about 12 times a year. Hahaha and sorry for sharing, it's not my fault you read my blog you dumb fucks

Me and my dear friend/partner in crime are taking a pause from alcohol. Please feel empathy and pride for us and our thirsty throats...

In 2012 I wanna be happy. I wanna love life around me and people around me. I wanna feel like I'm in control of my situation in life, not like the situation is in control of me. I don't wanna sit around and cry about something I've lost or something I could have had. I don't wanna waste my days on waiting and postpone my dreams until tomorrow. I wanna live, but I don't wanna rush. Because this time I wanna feel too. I wanna inhale every second of reality around me and actually be able to feel what it's like to be here, in the world, 20 years old and so damn alive.

I miss my city & my nights out!!!!

So, because I seem to be a fan of making these lists of what I hate about the world, I decided to challange myself and make another one presenting what I actually love about people and humanity! Here it goes:

- Funny people, who make me laugh
- Unselfishness, when people care about each other
- Art, out ability to create
- Meaningful conversations
- Music
- Love, making love, sharing a secret

Dear people, always remember to tell each other exactly how amazingly awesome you are! Because even though you're not, just hearing so twice a day can make you a tiny bit more awesome than you actually are. We are a prisioner of the environment.

I remember, when I was younger, how I used to collect quotes I thought were beautiful. My favorite ones were "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" and "Too young to die, too old to cry, too much in love to say goodbye". Cheesy as fuck, I know. A product of that bittersweet and oh how sad, well known teenage-angst. But I thought they were so right, back then.

I feel like this whole year, I've been running away from something. I've been working, drinking and dancing on tables so much that I've actually forgot how it feels to just breathe. Then suddenly I'm trapped here with nothing but my own silly thoughts. It can be fucking heartbreaking at times, having to face yourself all over again.

I know I should see my temporar isolation as an opportunity. A chance to catch up. To shape up. To remember how it is, just to be me. It doesn't feel good though, quite the opposite. I feel like I'm being overwhelmed by oxygen. Like reality is hitting me in the face with all it's possibilities and limitations. Asking me what the fuck I've been thinking. Making me question all the decisions I've made, and to see them for what they actually are.

Is it really so important for a person's well-being to be in perfect contact with one's emotions? I've learned the Freudian way, through my psychodynamic parents, always to analyze yourself. To be your own shrink. Now that I'm forced to listen, however, I'm not sure that I wanna hear the answers. I feel dizzy, pixelated and alone. If running in circles actually makes me happy, does that make me some kind of neurotic? And if it does, is there something wrong with that? Will it increase my risks of a mental crash later in life?

I'm not gonna fly home tomorrow, even though I guess I could. I don't expect myself to find some sort of visionary inner peace in 10 days, I'm not Buddha. I will try, of course, to read, to relax, to look in to the mirror and embrace what ever is in there. To decompose every little piece of my worldview and rebuild it, if I have to. I'm just not sure whether, or how this is gonna make me a happier person. I miss living. I miss the world.

58 days to go

I hate it when people post famous quotes on facebook because they are too lame to come up with their own ones. I hate it when people use setting events as an excuse for bad behaviour. I hate it when people try to find themselves in being exactly like everyone else. I hate it when people think they are so complete in their beliefs that they don't even try to understand different perspectives on reality. I hate it when people think they are better than other people. I hate it when people lie about their taste in music. I hate it when people talk bad about their ex-lovers. I hate it when people watch certain movies/read certain books/listen to certain music just to fit in some kind of social category. I hate it when people pretend to love Paulo Coelho. I hate it when people use their money as an interpersonal defensemechanism. I hate it when people pretend to be anti-plastic surgery just to seem more confident. I hate it when people judge a whole culture based on one single person. I hate it when people pretend to be bisexual just to seem more openminded. I hate it when people pretend to hate their hometown. I hate it when people plan every next move in their calendars. I hate it when people ask "where you wanna see yourself in 10 years". I hate it when people pretend to have a mental disorder to gain attention. I hate it when people make lists about what they hate in other people but never stop and question their own perfection. I hate that I've probably done more than five of the things above. I hate humanity.

Hahaha so for some stupid ass reason I just had a dream about every man or woman I've ever shared bed with. They were all trying to hide in my appartment, steal stuff or poison me. Apparently I've slept with a bunch of crazy motherfuckers. On the positive side the weather here is showing 25 degrees, meaning TANNINGDAY!!

Finally I'm making progress in the socializing area!!! I have a friend who has a friend who has a friend. Who LIVES AND WORKS here. So apparently I'm going out with him and his buddies no later than this friday. WELL! Feel allowed to congratulate me on my awesomeness. !!!!!!!!!!!!

What I hate the most about this place is probably the fact that I can't smoke inside. Pisses the hell out of me. What I love is the amazing chevre cheese, the buttery, oven-fresh croissants and the juicy redwine. Yummmssyum.

Today I almost made a new friend. Well I spotted a guy in my age in the supermarket and was about to say hi. Until my mom stopped me (apparently I'm acting like a hooker now a days). 

I also made a new blog, an anonymous one. 

Don't ask me why I did that. I think I might have schizophrenia.

Anyone wanna tell me why I always do this? I rent movies that make me feel bad, I watch them and I swear I'll never do it again. Yet I find myself watching the same fucking movie over and over again. Usually alone. My no1 destructive pleasure used to be Requiem for a dream. New one is apparently Black Swan. So who wants to walk to France, dry up my face and convince me that life is actually a beautiful place? Volunteers?

Going to buy cigarettes with papá. If anyone happens to be in France atm, in the Marseilles area, please let me know!

Dear blog! I just got home from Dreamland and I'm not sure if I wanna go there anymore. 



It makes me do weird stuff and feel bad about them. Tonight I think I even killed someone.



Some say Alice in Wonderland was inspired by acids. 

So sick of you dumb boys who talk about yourself like you're mr Jesus. You don't "hoita" a girl. We are neither puppies or babies. And since when was fucking someone in the ass considered "taking care" of them? If you really wanna "hoitaa" us so damn bad, you should start scratching us between the ears and feeding us chocolate. Get back to me when that happens and we're talking!

Leaving to France for 2 months, hardcore studying coming up... See you guys in May! (If I survive)